Public Speaking

I have my third speech tomorrow for my public speaking class. My first one was about introducing a classmate, second was Obama's Economic plan, and my third is a "Special Occasioin," speech, meaning a toast, a fake acceptance speech, or for some interesting occasion. I haven't written it yet.

My first idea, inspired by watching Across the Universe last night, was to write a speech as if I was at a celebratory party for The Beatles getting signed to their first record label, as if I was a manager, or a close friend of one of the Liverpool boys. Then I thought... hm... I could be Yoko Ono on a press conference in the 70's? Nah. Both of these, to be done with just the right amount of facts and wit, would take way too much effort for a class that I usually don't spend too much time on.

So, with those ideas shot down, I think it's more appropriate for me to write an acceptance speech for being voted Biggest Procrastinator of All Time. Maybe make it entertaining, funny, but short and sweet. The only problem is, once I get started on examples of what makes me the biggest procrastinator of all time, the list would be too long, and I'd probably end up putting it off.

Faking Cancer?

Ok, so this is fucked up as hell.... Here's my first Scene News Gossip story... YEAH I SAID IT, WHAT THE FUCK WOULD YOU CALL IT?
Ally's story:
i am no longer friends with kimberly wiggins

she is a fraud

all of you know that i was her roommate and we did everything together
and i helped her through everything
and i knew her better than anyone else
so believe me when i say you all have been lied to

she is NOT sick. in any way shape or form. the only type of sickness she has is in the head.

her pill bottles had no labels
the 'injections' she took (but never let me see her take) are NO WHERE to be found in that apt
she NEVER let me go to the drs with her
someone who has cancer does NOT further injure their body with mass amounts of drugs and alcohol (which MANY of you saw her do..im sorry someone can NOT do that much cocaine and be dying of cancer and STILL be alive right now!)
and she told me not to speak about her 'illness' infront of her parents bc they couldnt cope
there is not one hospital record in that house that says she has cancer!
BULLSHIT
im sorry i ever defended her and to all of you good people who warned me i should of listened sooner

every single word out of her mouth is a LIE

i am very much upset and livid about this. bc not only did i defend her- i introduced her to many good people and treated her like my own flesh and blood.

i am back to going out solo. no more mini-me's will i be bringing out. this is why i do NOT have girlfriends. you have to be pretty fucking SICK in the head to make this shit up.

take all this information for what its worth. make your own assumptions. but i know many of you have questioned this. and come to me with questions. and if youre hearing this from me im not sure what better source you can get it from.

ive questioned this for a few weeks now and i finally got the answers i needed to prove my theory.

any document she is claiming to get is FALSE and either photoshopped or not her file and switched to say her name.

i created your reputation kim and now im going to do everything in my power to destroy it you sick twisted fuck.

Kim's response:
ny one of you reading this who DOES NOT BELIEVE/DOUBTS what I have, give me your e-mail so I can send you DOCUMENTS.


Already talk to my mother in which are being e-mailed over at approx. 9:30am


PLEASE.

Ally's response:
i heard i needed a better title for my bulletins- so you all would open them faster (thanks thomas!)

so its only 10am and ive done a pretty good job of destroying her sick sick life

if you go back and read my first bulletin of the day you can fully understand what im talking about

so far people seemed to be shocked- yet get over it quickly and add "well this just makes way more sense"

if anyone has the number for dan one of the owners of purdy i need his #.
im pretty sure he will want the $1,000 he gave to kim for emergency surgery aka her RENT. yea and he gave it to her in cash. tisk tisk.

i should of listened to duran many many months ago when he told me to stop creating these girls to be like me and making them my prodigys bc one day they would try and take me over. well i create u and ill destroy you.

god who knew payback was so much fun!?

ps i moved outta that crazy apt this morning. back at my parents. they gave me a tank of gas my bed and ihop so far.

and you people keep calling/texting/IMing me. i can only respond so fast! gossip amongst yourself until i post another juicy bulletin

its only 10:30am i have so many more stories for you all!

My take:
Ok, so we all know our other friend, Jorge.... And if you don't, he's the most insanely funny, amazing dude in the world. He went through some shit of his own-- but get this-- HIS WAS REAL! Everyone's seen how he has acted for this past year... Now he's fine, but we all know how weak he was and how closely he had to take care of himself to get better.

And a fashion show? Which made a brilliant story, battling cancer, then coming out with this clothing line, working through the weakness and the pain, to put on this fashion show, which most everyone attended. Wow! I'm not even mad! I'm impressed!

This is, really, an insult to the people that were A. Truly there for Jorge when he was going through his own shit, and B. The people that offered their friendship to Kim. This has been something, especially going through the months with Jorge, that we all have been wondering. How does she pull weekend benders every single week, and survive, let alone with cancer? I feel like we've all kind of wondered this all along but haven't said anything. When you have cancer, you have to take care of your body to the point where even party animal, Mr. Open Bar King himself, Jorge, had to sit on the sidelines for months. Now that the truth is out, I'm surprised at how low someone can go for attention and how disrespectful someone can be to the people that have gone through this shit REALLY, and the people that have to watch their friends suffer. What. The. Fuck.

More to come, perhaps...

*Edit*
Bravo! The theme to this blog entry is definitely Anchorman's Will Ferrel's take on his dog Baxter eating a whole wheel of cheese:
"I'm not even mad! I'm impressed!" I smell an oscar... oh--- or a liar?

USA! USA! USA!

Hahahahhaahha enjoy:
"Dear... dear... it's backw-- oh fuck it, George, do it your own special way."

"Yeah, everything's just great over in Iraq!"

"And I was like.... HEYYYY!!!"

"Big booty hoe! Holler atcha Prez!"

"The Drunk Dubbya"

Ya, that's our president. First pic I actually don't mind him in

Ahhh, nothing like waking up to images of a FUCKING RETARD.

Little Girl vs. Claw Machine

I'm not even mad! I'm impressed! This is just too good. And if I was that little, I'd definitely hang out in claw machines.... what? You wouldn't?

Changing the name of this blog

to..... Beer for Brunch


"BEER FOR DINNER
BEER FOR BRUNCH
BEER FOR BREAKFAST
BEER FOR BRUNCH
BEER FOR EVERY SINGLE MEAL
WHY CAN'T WE HAVE SOME GUTS???"




:)

PAGINA: DAY AND NIGHT

Everyone knows the Pagina by night... the well-dressed, chi'ed-hair, the flawless makeup, the heels, the boobs (mechanical advantage 6 and count nauticals von poop tooth).... Like this:






But here is PAGINA EXPOSED!!!!! After all the glamour from the night before and all that it entails... this is the reason why my I love my Pagina!!!!!
Video chatting with a happy hungover Pagina and her pizza


She lives on coke....:

And she's really a BrainEater mwahahahah:


And lastly..... She's gonna kill me....



There you have it. It's not all glitz and glamour for this Brooklynite.... She does wake up hungover just like you and I ... and she puts one boob into her bra at a time... just like you and I.

-a

Ahhh what the heck. . .

So good news I finally dragged my lazy shockingly big ass for a white girl to the apple store last week and fixed my computer! Go me. As I remembered how much I love my computer I found a few new pictures that I had taken randomly in New York. So for the sake of being random here we go.

Alexi and I must have taken a wrong turn on our way to a sex store because we somehow ended up in Barnes&Noble. At first we were extremely uncomfortable. . .I mean do we have to read, what section should we pretend to hang out in? And that's when we found the book we have both been waiting for. . .




This book is a QUICK read if you know what I mean. And I think you do.

The subways in New York never fail to gross to me out . . .I mean amaze me. Besides the occasional dick being pulled out in front of you, or the fat mexican construction worker using a packed train as an excuse to rub his burrito on your back, or the disgusting gathering of the human race in general, there are a few great things about it. For instance, apparently if your name is tiffany you get a seat with your name on it.



New York City Subways making dreams come true 24/7.

And last but certaintly not least. I have discovered the new summer fashion trend. Get your pens out Cosmo and GQ. Prepare yourselves for the CALF BRACELET. Oh yes!!! It's true.. . fuck your wrists its all about your calves this season.



Don't be a douche bag people or I'll catch you. No really I will. . .I'm becoming freakishly sneaky with my iphone camera. Its a little creepy but what the heck.

Things I Miss About New York

1. Getting violated by my roomates:

2. Stealing my roomies' clothes:

3. Cheap PBR... or PBR in general:

4. Slip N Sliding using hipster sweat as lubricant!


5. Alcohol-induced cuddles:

6. Sketchy Greenpoint, BK, where my OBGYN puts posters of himself in a bowtie to entice the ladies to let him... ew... gross.


7.My family....

8. My Chef-Boy-R-Jew!:

9. My friends loving me even when I look like this:


10. Since I am the slowest walker of the group... Not seeing this everyday....


To quote my favorite band, LCD Soundsystem... "New York I love you, but you're bringing me down...."

I'm Hiding From Paige

Paige just embarrassed the fucking shit out of me. If you don't already know, I share a desk with my boss. She sits directly across from me. So as weird as this is, Paige tells me stories and I type back on video chat during work. Whatever, get over it.

Anyway, I started fucking with the effects, and I thought I'd get sick of them after a while, but you just can't. So I'm laughing at how retarded I look, then I start to look at Paige laughing at me, and she's even more hideuos than I am. (I just embarassingly laughed again as I typed that sentence.)

Check it out:




See? We're usually pretty. Admire us.

Remember that Sunscreen Song?

You know you remember the '99 hit "Everybody's Free (To wear sunscreen)." Actually, with the demographic that realistically reads this blog, It's that song that was re-done by Chris Rock into "No Sex in the Champagne Room."
Well I found another parody of the song/music video that is sure to crack your hungover ass up.

I watched the original first, if you're interested, here it is with Portuguese subtitles, just in case....:


But HERE is superior one, in my opinion....


Fucking great. Honestly, who wraps dog shit and gives it to little kids in a Santa outfit?

Capcha Codes on Myspace

You know those Capcha codes on myspace, the ones that prevent robotic spam machines from posting about the dick-growing pills or the macy's giftcards? Like this:


I sorta feel like those are not actually for spam, but to prevent drunk myspacing... I feel like the code that's usually something like A6Gdy7C should actually say "CLoSe YOur DamN MAc N go 2bEd DiCk."

Just a thought.

Best Conversation of Life

Out of the FUCKING CLEAR BLUE I SWEAR nothing provoked this comment...

Person XYZ: "Paige, I really like the word 'hence," I just haven't found the right way to use it yet."


Blank stare.

Ham Sandwich for Brunch?

Hell no!! Not after seeing this little guy. Thanks to my dashingly handsome and charming buddy, Jose, I am pretty sure I have just completed my total transformation into a vegetarian.

So apparently, little "Cinders," was discovered by his owners to be afraid of mud. Yes, a pig that is afraid of mud. So they took a pair of boots from a Paddington Teddy Bear and put these precious piggie feet into the plastic rainboots. I mean, honestly, how fucking amazing is this? This is from Best Week Ever's blog.




Speaking of cute things, gawker.com just blogged about the "Cute epidemic," which seems to be making even the manliest men let out a little "awww!" In the manliest way possible of course. I can name on 10 fingers (which also do not like dirty things, maybe I should invest in some finger condoms) my grownass friends that have sent me links to cute kitty pics and aww-able youtube videos of cutesy bullshit.

I happen to love it. And my favorite of these websites is definitely Icanhascheezburger.com which has admittedly passed hours of my boring days at the office. I mean, really... how can you not love this:


Oh and just in case you share Cinders and my loathing of dirt, here are some finger condoms. This is my friend Fanny. She changes them hourly.


Ha I think I'd be friends with her.

Guest Blogger: Jennifer's Critique of Vampire Weekend show

I went to the Vampire Weekend show last night with my buddies Jennifer, Whitney and Christian. I asked Jennifer, a self-acclaimed music snob, to write me a little recap of the night. Here it is:

"Last night New York buzz band Vampire Weekend popped their collars a little higher in the sweltering heat of Miami Beach and played the Fillmore at the Jackie Gleason Theatre. Considering the four young men, who are being touted as one of the finest things in indie rock, cancelled their performance at South Florida's Langerado Music Festival a few days before they were about to perform back in March to play Saturday Night Live, they repeatedly claim that the Miami crowd and it's venue were the nicest they had ever encountered.

Though VW had a "rather small repertoire" and only 2 new songs, that they had written while on tour, they strummed and banged with delight for the sold out crowd who shouted and pubescently "moshed" to the dreamy tunes they'd all had grown enamored with...

blah blah blah my 5 minutes were up! gaba gaba harlem shakes were just okay...VW were awesome and better have pyrotechnics and people only over the age of 21 next time around...your mom!"

__________
Thanks Jennifer.

Now my take on the show. 90% of the "pit," crowd had braces and probably hadn't located their pre-pubescent weenies yet, so to be honest, that was a huge buzz kill for me. A few of their songs were definitely dance-worthy, but I found myself more zoned into the sexy coked up drummer and he-grows-on-you-keyboardist than the actual music, while my friends slobbered over Ezra, the frontman.

A few off-key notes and missed backup vocals isn't enough for me to say it was a BAD show... But honestly, I would have preferred to see them at Studio A, or a venue that doesn't allow 15 year old "MOSHERS," in the joint. Maybe that would have made the atmosphere better. If you've ever heard Vampire Weekend, it's easy to see why I'm hating on the mosh pit so much. Here's a taste of VW... they're fucking Piano rock, not SKA, so to all those 12 year olds at the show last night, take your stupid spaz dance elsewhere, and say Mazel Tov to your older brother, I heard he's getting Bar Mitzvahed this weekend.

"A-Punk," by Vampire Weekend:

Bulletin Battles-- GLOBAL WARMING!

I woke up this morning to my myspace bulletins showing this:


Soooo being that my two future roommates are battling on the shitspace, I start opening them...











Wow. Never in my life have I wanted to click THIS button so badly...

Pictures that make me smile.

Here are some pictures that make me smile, and hopefully you can enjoy them too.


South Park, cause I, YESSSS IM SERIOUS, just watched it for the first time at the office the other day:


This guy's fucked:


My amazing shih tzu, Frankie, whose tongue has it mind of its own:


This is what happens when people wear capris to hipster clubs in New York:


We are so creepy:


Animal Cruelty is a no-no:


I don't know who these hands belong to, still, to this day... Last summer in MIA:


This is what happens when we get over-zealous with confetti:


Haaaa the gheyest club in Miami, so dumb that I forgot its name:


OLD!!


One of the first nights of Pagina/Lex bonding... over lotsa vodka of course...


mwahaha


Yes, that is flesh:


I swear we're best friends...


Zee end.